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The vital Christian life.
In my last post I noted that one of the most important functions of the confession of sins to others is the potential for ministry to those who hear the confession. This is a reason that some Christian groups practice confession among all of the members rather than confessing only to priests or professional clergy. The confession of sins is a critical component of a vital Christian life.
Quite often our attempts to avoid looking bad rob us of the ability to rid ourselves of the things that will destroy us from the inside out. When we participate in a “Christian” culture that values looking good more than developing goodness we rob those we are supposed to help of the ability to be healed themselves. I have a Christian friend who is a personal counselor. He often says that one of the most basic human needs is to know that we are not alone. When we choose to live in a society that gives lip service to honesty and then lies in order to conceal secret sin, we inevitably feel alone and isolated, because we all stumble into sin at times. The struggle to live the Christian life is about the mind, and secrecy is a sign that we are losing the struggle.
The bottom line: The confession of sin to one another is not optional. It can be painful and humiliating but it is not optional because God loves us and knows that confession is the key to healing. It is healing not just for us but for those who are looking to us for the way to freedom and happiness. When we sin we can try to conceal it and then get mired in it, or we can confess it and move on to forgiveness and a righteous and joyful Christian life.
To confess sins is to bring healing to many: A true story.
Several years ago I sat down to pray with a small group of Christian men on a wintry Tuesday morning. This was a regular meeting unimaginatively called “the Tuesday morning men’s prayer group.” We met from seven to 8:00 AM in a small room at the church many of us attended.
It was our usual practice to share our experiences of the previous week, along with our needs and concerns. Then we closed with about 30 minutes of prayer for one another. On this particular morning the men were taking turns talking about various matters. The turn passed to a young husband and father who, in recent months, had become active in working with children and youth in the church. As we turned our attention to him, it became clear that he was quite agitated and struggling for words.
Sobbing, he finally said, “I know that this is going to destroy any chance I have of working with kids in the church, and will probably ruin my reputation as a Christian, but I have to get something off of my chest. I have to go out of town on business in a couple of days, and I am terrified. When I graduated from high school I joined the Navy. I traveled a lot in the military and joined in all of the typical off-duty activities that sailors do with their buddies. I have always been shy with girls but when I was in the Navy I became fascinated with pornography. All of the other guys took it for granted so it was no problem for me to indulge myself with it.
“When I was discharged from the service I met my future wife right away. We were so much in love my interest in pornography faded into the background. I got a good job, we got married and found out we were going to have a baby. We found this church and became active members. It was the happiest time of my life. Then, I got a promotion at work and started traveling alone. On my first business trip I got off of the airplane at my destination airport and headed to the rental car counter. I suddenly realized that I was very lonely. I decided to stop in to the news stand to get something to read. As soon as I stepped in front of the magazine racks I saw the row of Playboy magazines and about a dozen other books and magazines of the same type. I ended up in my hotel room with a briefcase full of porn and a heart and mind full of shame. I threw it out as I was leaving the hotel to go back to the airport.
“When I got back home I felt so terrible that my wife could tell something was wrong. She asked me about it and I lied. I was sure that I felt so bad that I would never fall into that temptation again, but I think it is getting worse. Now, whenever I find out that I am going to be traveling, I start thinking about the magazines. A few times I have been able to avoid actually buying them, but the temptation is almost an obsession. I am afraid that I am demon possessed or mentally ill. I think about losing my family, my church and my reputation. It seems like a simple thing but I feel that it is controlling me. There, now I’ve said it. If you are as disgusted with me as I am with myself, just give it to me straight and I’ll get out of here and never come back.”
This confession was followed by a period of awkward silence. Finally one of the other men spoke quietly.
I need to pause to tell you that the man who spoke was a lay leader in the church. He was a solid family man who held an executive position with a large, well-known and reputable technology company. He was a mature man whose wisdom, kindness and maturity were respected by everyone who knew him. He wasn’t a person who talked loudly or often but, when he did speak, people listened and valued his words highly.
When this “elder” began to respond to the younger man’s admission, I rather expected him to offer some advice about how to deal with the temptation of pornography, or perhaps to moralize a bit. However, he said simply: ”I have that problem.”
This statement was followed by an even longer and more awkward silence that, at least for me, begged someone to bring some control to the situation or, even better, change the subject. The quiet was finally interrupted again when a third man who was, again, a “pillar” in the church, stated: ”I have that problem, too.” Soon a fourth man in the group said, “I don’t have a problem with pornography when I travel alone.” ( I felt a palpable sense of relief for a moment.) …”I am tempted to drink.” (So much for the relief!)
After some more discussion about the power of temptation to attack us when we are in our weakest moments, the lay leader said, “Here’s what I think we need to do. I think we need to take note of the situations in which each of us feels most vulnerable to the temptation to sin. Then, every week when we meet we can each mention any impending situations. We will pray for one another about those specific occasions. The following week we will relate what happened, good or bad. Nothing disempowers temptation like bringing it into the light.”
We all agreed to participate in this idea and followed it faithfully. Everyone in the group agreed that the practice significantly reduced the power of the temptations and the actual occasions of yielding to them. The young man who began the original dialogue was able to resist his attraction to pornography and continued to grow spiritually and in his ministries.
Christian sin: The hidden plague.
I have told this story several times over the years. The usual first reaction is to profess amazement and disgust that so many Christian men would be tempted to indulge in such sins. When this happens I try to keep the discussion focused on the effect of the confessions on the lives of the Christians who hear them. In doing so it has become clear to me that the professions of surprise and disgust are often defenses against the threat of revealing sin in the lives of those who are not confessing. I am reminded of a quip by the comedian Phyllis Diller, “Whenever I see a cockroach I say, ‘Whatever in the world could that be?’” When someone observes a Christian who is struggling with sin and asks me what in the world could be going on in the person’s heart and mind, I am tempted to respond, “I can’t imagine.” Confession of sin among Christians is so rare because we have constructed a social system within which we mutually agree to avoid talking about it, especially in personal terms.
When we talk about sin in Christian circles we tend to restrict the subject of the discussion to third parties. We talk about he, she or them, but not about I, me or you. This is contrary to the Biblical model for dealing with sin, which views discussion of sin with third parties as a last resort. (Matthew 18:15-20) In fact, discussing the sin of third parties can be classified as gossip, which is itself a dangerous sin. The Bible tells us that gossip is addictive (Proverbs 18:7-8) and that we should avoid people who gossip (Proverbs 20:19)
When we discuss a person’s sin with him/her, we are to do it gently, with the goal of restoring the person back to a position of righteousness. We are also to do it with a view toward our own potential for sin, in order to avoid the temptations that such discussions deal with. (Galatians 6:1) Such a discussion might well begin with a confession on behalf of the person who is hearing the confessor, just as happened in the men’s group. Humans are social creatures. Feeling alone is extremely debilitating and weakens our defenses against temptation. It leads to a descending spiral of loneliness and weakness. Nothing interrupts this cycle like knowing that other good people share your temptations and faults and, even more, that they have begun to deal with them victoriously.
While some people may view the incident I described above as a frightening revelation about the “true nature” of Christian men, I view it as a declaration of victory over social systems that cultivate secret sin and over the power of sin itself. As I said above, one of the most important functions of the confession of sins to others is the potential for ministry to those who hear the confession. It brings sin into the light, where it can be seen in perspective, and it tells us that we are not alone. Any hidden dysfunction, whether physical, mental or spiritual, is dangerous when it is hidden, because it cannot be treated. If we want to be treated, we have to be able to express our needs to healers, doctors, psychologists or spiritual communities.
When the sinner is me.
When I was in my thirties and forties, I was on the fast track to religious leadership. I was a church leader, a Christian educator and a highly regarded member of religious political action groups. I was in demand as a public speaker and private counselor. I was a graduate student progressing toward a doctoral degree. I was married to a Christian woman who shared my love for the church and Christian education. Everything in my life seemed wonderful… to everyone but me. Inside I was very sick, physically, mentally and spiritually. I hated my job, my church and my marriage. I was secretly struggling with tobacco, alcoholism, stomach ulcers, high blood pressure and depression. I was completely incapable of sharing any of my problems with any other person, including my wife. When I finally became frightened enough to seek help, I went to a physician. After a thorough examination he told me that I needed to quit my church job, get counseling with my wife and find a church where I could talk to people about my spiritual needs. I responded that I could not do any of those things because I was involved in too many important things, and that many people looked to me as a role model for their lives. I was sure that admitting any weakness would deprive the world of my important ministries and service. The doctor said, ”Well, you better get all those important things done in the next six months then.” When I asked what he meant, he concluded, “If you don’t do the things I have recommended, you will be insane or dead six months from now.”
That doctor’s appointment saved my sanity and, probably, my life. I went home and told my wife what I had learned. We started to pray together and we were soon able to do the things the doctor had recommended. I started telling my story to anyone I thought might be able to help me, or to receive help from me. That’s when I started to discover the power of sharing, good or bad. I still struggle with some of the same things that plagued me then. I’ve won some battles and lost a few. I have slipped back into secrecy on numerous occasions, which just served to remind me how unhealthy it is to try to hide my needs and problems. Not too long ago someone told me, ”You are a good confessor.” Some people will find it ironic that that observation came in the aftermath of a struggle I had with temptation and sin. It would seem ironic that someone would comment, “You are a sinner but you are also a good confessor.” You might ask, “Well, does confessing sin excuse it?” No, but it does bring forgiveness for it. (1 John 1:9)
When the sinner is a Bible hero.
King David committed adultery and then tried to cover it up by committing murder. (2 Samuel 11:1ff) Nevertheless, God declares His love for David throughout the Bible, calling David “a man after my own heart.” (Acts 13:22) What, you may ask, could have possibly restored David to God’s favor after he had committed such terrible sins. The answer lies in David’s instant confession when he is confronted with his sin. (2 Samuel 12:1ff) As King of Israel David could probably have successfully covered up his sin, or at least avoided any legal or civil penalties for it. Nevertheless, when his rationalizations were broken down he immediately confessed and his confession has become one of the best-known confessions in human history. (Psalm 51:4) When God says that David is a man after His own heart He means that David valued His relationship with God more than he valued his public reputation. Not only did David’s confession restore his own relationship with God, it has been the path to the restoration of thousands of other people over the years, who read 2 Samuel 12 and Psalm 51 and are strengthened to confess their sins instead of trying to cover them up.
When the sinner is you, but you would rather be a hero.
If you are harboring secrets that are consuming you like cancer, from the inside out, don’t be fooled into thinking that they will heal by themselves, or that you can learn to deal with them in a relatively healthy way over time. Find someone you can trust and share them. The risk of being hurt through confession is much less than the risk of covering up. If you don’t know anyone you can trust, start with a physician or clergyperson. You can usually get to the right place or person by those routes. Along the way your story will encourage many other secret keepers, and maybe even save their lives.
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